today

Several times now I have awoken to large patches of splotchy red on my legs.  At first I thought it was a spider bite, and it went away quickly so I didn’t worry about it.  Yesterday morning it happened again, and this was the worse looking yet.  Then last night I’d fallen asleep in my chair and woke up with the blotchiness on my other leg, and a red, painful area with some large bubbles on my other thigh.  It hurt pretty bad, and definitely freaked me out because I don’t know what’s causing this.  As I lay in bed, I decided maybe I should take an antihistamine just to be safe.  I turn my light on.  Two seconds later a giant spider drops down onto my leg.  Great.  Now I really feel like sleeping.  I knocked him off, went and got the pills, and looked under my bed for him.  There he was, all long-legged and creepy.  Using a glass I scooped him up and threw him outside.  I felt better knowing mister big was gone and fell asleep surprisingly fast.

I also woke up surprisingly fast to what sounded like a tree falling on my house.  Turns out it was just a very large limb of a tree that fell on my house.  Reeling about that, I look up to see another giant spider on my window.  Shaking-uncharacteristically- I got him in my bug catcher with great difficulty and threw him outside, wondering  if I should look up those pictures of brown recluses again.  Guess what?  There was another one on that same window!  At this point, I had to use the bathroom.  Looking up constantly to make sure no spiders were descending upon me, I walk into the restroom and there’s another one on my shower curtain.  I sprayed hair spray on that one (sorry).   A minute later, I’m standing in the middle of my cabin looking around,and it  suddenly looks like a dark, scary haven for giant spiders.  I just stood there, with the chills, and was afraid to start doing anything I would normally do in the morning for fear I’d run into a bunch more.

Now, I’m normally very brave when it comes to these things.  I’ve had a roach in my mouth, a mouse crawl across my face, and beetles dive-bombing me while I sleep.  I take it all in stride.  I know I am a strong, capable woman who can clearly take care of herself.  But last night something hit me:  I don’t want to do it all alone.  I want someone to have my back.  I don’t want to have to write down on a pad of paper next to my bed what’s happened to my legs in case something bad happens to me and I’m not able to explain it to the paramedics who come to take me away.  I even left them pictures of the spider next to the paper so they had all the info to figure out how I’d died or gotten really sick.  Sad, huh?

I don’t know how to go about finding that fabulous man I’d love to be with, and right now there is no one here to tell me it’s all ok, or make sure I don’t rot away from poison in the middle of the night.  All I do know is that my leg still hurts, these spiders are not brown recluses, and I’m going to have to sleep alone again tonight, wondering if there will be another mister big crawling around me as I sleep.  Oh well.  Be brave and go forward, right?  I’m working on it.